Protect your child from normative surroundings

Many parents in rainbow families think about how to prepare and strengthen their child in relation to a heteronormative climate, where there are strong norms about parenthood being genetic and that a family should consist of a mother and a father. Origin and genes vary in importance to different people, but no one can get away from society’s strong norms about the significance of origin, appearance and genes, manifested for example in the form of racism. In families where individual members have different skin colours, origin and belonging can come into focus because you’re forced to meet society’s racist thought patterns and microaggressions more or less on a daily basis.

Read children’s books

One way of talking about genetic origin and family with your child is by reading children’s books together where there are different kinds of families, or children’s books about genetic origin and how a child is conceived. Preferably choose norm critical and innovative children’s books. Families look different. At the bottom of this page is a list of tips for such children’s books. Maybe you can make your own book with pictures and texts about your family? Or use and fill out norm critical new-born books that are available in the stores at the moment.

Start the conversation early

Many children meet norms early, for example through relatives, children’s TV shows or at preschool, and may get questions from others that lead to thoughts about their family. Start talking about origin, genes and family constellations with the child when it’s very young and before there’s a spoken language or an understanding of abstract things. It’s not more strange than saying “now it’s night-time” long before the child has an understanding of time. You don’t have to wait for a question, because children can’t always articulate questions about something they don’t have the language for. 

Give the child a language

Choose the words for family and parent that you want to use in your family. Tell your child what your thoughts are about your family, genes and parenthood. It’s common for rainbow families to differentiate between donor and parent by not using the words “mother” and “father” for the people who have donated gem cells, but families think and do differently. In home insemination for same sex female couples, where a male acquaintance donates sperm, there are mixed words such as “donor father” and “donor child”. Sometimes there’s a lack of words, and you might invent a new word that you need in your family. One example is the word “dibling”, which stands for donor sibling, people who are conceived through the same donor. Use the words you have chosen, and as the child gets older you can explain what your thoughts have been. If you have talked to the child early, with the words you have chosen, the child will feel that it’s always known this. It also helps the child to find answers that it will need in relation to a normative society. The older the child gets, the more situations it will face without you. 

Contact with preschool and school

Preschool and school is often the child’s first “personal” settings outside the home. Rainbow families make different choices here. Some actively look for a gender conscious or norm critical preschool, or want to find staff that is LGBTQI competent and works inclusively. Sometimes you can’t choose that. Others start with a preschool and then make demands that the preschool should work actively with issues such as gender and LGBTQI. Some educate the staff themselves, or give tips about children’s books. Many attest to that open conversations and pedagogic efforts has made a difference to the child and that preschools can develop and learn by rainbow families. Here at the website you can read more tips about LGBTQI and preschool. Listen to your child and follow up with the staff if you hear something that indicates that the environment isn’t OK for your child.

Support the child’s own thoughts

Listen to the child’s thoughts. Be clear about that it’s OK if the child has a different view of donator/origin than you. Let the child know that it’s OK if it wants to know more about its genetic origin or search for its donor. Say that you can write yourself into the donor’s records, if you want to come in touch with “diblings”, donator siblings (in assisted fertilisation with a known donor in Sweden). There are many films and pods about searching for and reflecting on your origin, and there are groups on Facebook for people conceived through donation who are looking for their genetic origin. Your child might not be interested in that right now, maybe it will come later or not at all. That’s OK too.

Seek support for yourself if you need it

Sometimes, parents can be afraid that conversations about genetic origin will cause difficult thoughts or feelings in the child that weren’t there before, but the child already meets norms and preconceptions daily through society. Maybe you feel the need to talk about your family as though something is “missing” when you have to mirror your family against the heteronormative image of a family with a mother and father (if your family doesn’t look like that). 

Thoughts about origin and family can be perceived as sensitive. Your child may be afraid to hurt you with its thoughts. Show through open conversations that you can “take” all forms of thoughts – and if you start to feel fragile, look for support in other adults first, friends or professional support. Try and figure out what feels difficult. In that way, you become more anchored in the decisions you’ve made for your family, so that you can be clear towards the child about having made the choices you’ve thought have been best for all, at the same time as it makes it easier to listen to your child’s perspective. 

Many parents’ given focus is a wish to strengthen, support and protect their child. Don’t forget that you yourself may need support and someone to bounce ideas off of. Use RFSL’s parental support material To be and become a parent which is here at our website. There you’ll find many themes that touch upon this, that you can use as a starting point for conversation and reflection.

For more tips on books for adults and children, see minabibliotek.se.

Talking to children about genetic origin and family

Many parents in rainbow families think about how to prepare and strengthen their child in relation to a heteronormative climate, where there are strong norms about parenthood being genetic and that a family should consist of a mother and a father. Origin and genes vary in importance to different people, but no one can get away from society’s strong norms about the significance of origin, appearance and genes, manifested for example in the form of racism. In families where individual members have different skin colours, origin and belonging can come into focus because you’re forced to meet society’s racist thought patterns and microaggressions more or less on a daily basis.

Read children’s books

One way of talking about genetic origin and family with your child is by reading children’s books together where there are different kinds of families, or children’s books about genetic origin and how a child is conceived. Preferably choose norm critical and innovative children’s books. Families look different. At the bottom of this page is a list of tips for such children’s books. Maybe you can make your own book with pictures and texts about your family? Or use and fill out norm critical new-born books that are available in the stores at the moment.

Start the conversation early

Many children meet norms early, for example through relatives, children’s TV shows or at preschool, and may get questions from others that lead to thoughts about their family. Start talking about origin, genes and family constellations with the child when it’s very young and before there’s a spoken language or an understanding of abstract things. It’s not more strange than saying “now it’s night-time” long before the child has an understanding of time. You don’t have to wait for a question, because children can’t always articulate questions about something they don’t have the language for. 

Give the child a language

Choose the words for family and parent that you want to use in your family. Tell your child what your thoughts are about your family, genes and parenthood. It’s common for rainbow families to differentiate between donor and parent by not using the words “mother” and “father” for the people who have donated gem cells, but families think and do differently. In home insemination for same sex female couples, where a male acquaintance donates sperm, there are mixed words such as “donor father” and “donor child”. Sometimes there’s a lack of words, and you might invent a new word that you need in your family. One example is the word “dibling”, which stands for donor sibling, people who are conceived through the same donor. Use the words you have chosen, and as the child gets older you can explain what your thoughts have been. If you have talked to the child early, with the words you have chosen, the child will feel that it’s always known this. It also helps the child to find answers that it will need in relation to a normative society. The older the child gets, the more situations it will face without you. 

Contact with preschool and school

Preschool and school is often the child’s first “personal” settings outside the home. Rainbow families make different choices here. Some actively look for a gender conscious or norm critical preschool, or want to find staff that is LGBTQI competent and works inclusively. Sometimes you can’t choose that. Others start with a preschool and then make demands that the preschool should work actively with issues such as gender and LGBTQI. Some educate the staff themselves, or give tips about children’s books. Many attest to that open conversations and pedagogic efforts has made a difference to the child and that preschools can develop and learn by rainbow families. Here at the website you can read more tips about LGBTQI and preschool. Listen to your child and follow up with the staff if you hear something that indicates that the environment isn’t OK for your child.

Support the child’s own thoughts

Listen to the child’s thoughts. Be clear about that it’s OK if the child has a different view of donator/origin than you. Let the child know that it’s OK if it wants to know more about its genetic origin or search for its donor. Say that you can write yourself into the donor’s records, if you want to come in touch with “diblings”, donator siblings (in assisted fertilisation with a known donor in Sweden). There are many films and pods about searching for and reflecting on your origin, and there are groups on Facebook for people conceived through donation who are looking for their genetic origin. Your child might not be interested in that right now, maybe it will come later or not at all. That’s OK too.

Seek support for yourself if you need it

Sometimes, parents can be afraid that conversations about genetic origin will cause difficult thoughts or feelings in the child that weren’t there before, but the child already meets norms and preconceptions daily through society. Maybe you feel the need to talk about your family as though something is “missing” when you have to mirror your family against the heteronormative image of a family with a mother and father (if your family doesn’t look like that). 

Thoughts about origin and family can be perceived as sensitive. Your child may be afraid to hurt you with its thoughts. Show through open conversations that you can “take” all forms of thoughts – and if you start to feel fragile, look for support in other adults first, friends or professional support. Try and figure out what feels difficult. In that way, you become more anchored in the decisions you’ve made for your family, so that you can be clear towards the child about having made the choices you’ve thought have been best for all, at the same time as it makes it easier to listen to your child’s perspective. 

Many parents’ given focus is a wish to strengthen, support and protect their child. Don’t forget that you yourself may need support and someone to bounce ideas off of. Use RFSL’s parental support material To be and become a parent which is here at our website. There you’ll find many themes that touch upon this, that you can use as a starting point for conversation and reflection.

For more tips on books for adults and children, see minabibliotek.se.

Books about conception

Ninna och syskongrodden by Matilda Ruta 

Hur görs bebisar? by Cory Silverberg From 3 years 

Familjeboken by Edward Summanen

Varför finns jag? by Karin Salmson, Lina Sandquist

Vilken mage bodde JAG i? by O´Reilly, 3-6 years

Slottet med de många rummen: hur har du kommit till? by Helena Goldberg, Maruska La Cour Mosegaard
3-6 years

Ebbe och ägget by Petra Nilsson och Linn Gustafsson, 0-5 years

Mammornas bebisresa by Berlekom, Hedvig van, 3-6 years

Barn i regnbågsfamiljer by Karolina Schubert

Böcker med regnbågsfamiljer

Värsta prutten, Lolly! by Åsa Karsin, Frida Arvidsson, 3-6 years

Mamman och havet by Sara Stridsberg, 3-6 years

Prinsarna och den stora skatten by Jeffrey A Miles

Orden var är ni? by Klara Persson, 3-6 years

Välkommen Tango av Justin Richardson, Peter Parnell, 3-6 years

Allan och Udo by Minna Linnberg, 6-9 years

Titta pappor! by Ulrika Hjorth & Anastasiya Prosvetova, 0-3 years

Titta mammor! by Ulrika Hjorth & Anastasiya Prosvetova, 0-3 years

Punkpapporna by Liz Wennberg, 6-9 years

Punkpapporna i London by Liz Wennberg, 6-9 years

Ska vi leka mamma, mamma, barn? by Lisa Kärmander, 3-6 years

MonsterMira och murmeldjuret av Ulrika Hjort, 3-6 years

Hugo vill ha en katt, Hugo wants a cat, Hugo desea tener un gatito by Lourdes Daza-Gillman, 0-4 years

Hugo och hans leksakslåda, Hugo and his toybox, Hugo y su cajita de juguetes by Lourdes Daza-Gillman, 0-4 years

Hugo och hans små fingrar, Hugo and his tiny fingers, Hugo y sus deditos de las manos by Lourdes Daza-Gillman, 0-4 years

Vi tvättar bilen by Sarah Vegna, Astrid Tolke, 1-3 years

Mysteriet med zombieförbannelsen by Matilda Bredberg, 6-9 years

Vem är var? by Stina Wirsén, 0-3 years

Syster Grön by Jessika Berglund, 1-3 years

Naturväktarna och den vita räven by Malin Nilsson, 6-9 years

Naturväktarna och skatten i Ekdungen by Malin Nilsson, 6-9 years

Snipp och Snopp och kalaset som växte by Tony Cronstam, 3-6 years

Stella brings the family by Schiffer, Miriam B, 3-6 years

Kim och Skrutten by Frimodig, Karin, 3-6 years

Kroppens ABC by Lina Boozon Ekberg, Eva Emmelin and Linda Madsen, Alya Vindelman, 3-6 years

Min familj by Anna-Clara Tidholm, From 3 years

Lisbet och Sambakungen by Emma Karinsdotter, 3-6 years

Books with single parents

Mamman och den vilda bebin Barbro Lindgren, Eva Eriksson 3-6 years

Billy-serien Birgitta Stenberg 3-6 years

Bosses pappa går på dejt Malin Kärrbrink 3-6 years

Katt kan i skogen Sanna Töringe, Kristina Digman 0-3 years

Katt kan hela dagen Sanna Töringe, Kristina Digman 0-3 years

Katt kan i parken Sanna Töringe, Kristina Digman 0-3 years

Books with rainbow families

Värsta prutten, Lolly! by Åsa Karsin, Frida Arvidsson, 3-6 years

Mamman och havet by Sara Stridsberg, 3-6 years

Prinsarna och den stora skatten by Jeffrey A Miles

Orden var är ni? by Klara Persson, 3-6 years

Välkommen Tango av Justin Richardson, Peter Parnell, 3-6 years

Allan och Udo by Minna Linnberg, 6-9 years

Titta pappor! by Ulrika Hjorth & Anastasiya Prosvetova, 0-3 years

Titta mammor! by Ulrika Hjorth & Anastasiya Prosvetova, 0-3 years

Punkpapporna by Liz Wennberg, 6-9 years

Punkpapporna i London by Liz Wennberg, 6-9 years

Ska vi leka mamma, mamma, barn? by Lisa Kärmander, 3-6 years

MonsterMira och murmeldjuret av Ulrika Hjort, 3-6 years

Hugo vill ha en katt, Hugo wants a cat, Hugo desea tener un gatito by Lourdes Daza-Gillman, 0-4 years

Hugo och hans leksakslåda, Hugo and his toybox, Hugo y su cajita de juguetes by Lourdes Daza-Gillman, 0-4 years

Hugo och hans små fingrar, Hugo and his tiny fingers, Hugo y sus deditos de las manos by Lourdes Daza-Gillman, 0-4 years

Vi tvättar bilen by Sarah Vegna, Astrid Tolke, 1-3 years

Mysteriet med zombieförbannelsen by Matilda Bredberg, 6-9 years

Vem är var? by Stina Wirsén, 0-3 years

Syster Grön by Jessika Berglund, 1-3 years

Naturväktarna och den vita räven by Malin Nilsson, 6-9 years

Naturväktarna och skatten i Ekdungen by Malin Nilsson, 6-9 years

Snipp och Snopp och kalaset som växte by Tony Cronstam, 3-6 years

Stella brings the family by Schiffer, Miriam B, 3-6 years

Kim och Skrutten by Frimodig, Karin, 3-6 years

Kroppens ABC by Lina Boozon Ekberg, Eva Emmelin and Linda Madsen, Alya Vindelman, 3-6 years

Min familj by Anna-Clara Tidholm, From 3 years

Lisbet och Sambakungen by Emma Karinsdotter, 3-6 years